You feel like you’ve been comatose for most of your adult life. Or maybe you hope that you have been. Events swirl past you in vivid bubbles, caught in time. Am I? Was I? Clarity becomes confusion, confusion becomes pain.

You struggle to open a pack of cigarettes. After chain-smoking your way through four or five cigarettes, you reach for the bottles of pills. You choke down the last Vicodin with fruit juice that may have been sitting on the desk for 2 or 3 days. And you wait. You wait for beautiful numbness. You wait as the clarity dims, and the scorching depression bubbles down to lukewarm.

Jack.
I Listen.

Fragments
#4
Clarity

But every Tuesday that this happens, it gets a little worse. Life looks a little more bleak. You can’t count sheep anymore. You stare at the back of your eyelids in a daze that seems, almost, like sleep. It’s so close, you can taste it. You can smell the dreams at the boarder of your thoughts, screaming to come out.

But they don’t. And it’s no where close to sleep. It’s worse than counting sheep. It’s worse than racing thoughts. It’s emptiness. Silence. Loneliness. Apathy.

And sometimes you wonder if it’s ever going to get any better. It’s more than Tuesdays now. Then, you find yourself reading something like this. Something totally asinine.

When I started writing the novel, The Cost of Magic, which is unfolding slowly on this blog, I grabbed a few characters from a novel I could never bring myself to finish a few years back. The name of that novel was to be: Blame it on Tuesday. It may still come together, as I allude to it more than a little in The Cost of Magic.

We’ll have to see how bad these Tuesdays get first.

Jack
I Listen.

Fragments
#3
Blame It On Tuesday

The Marks of a God
—-

When he awoke again, he was not sure how long he’d been out. He went through all of the realms of paranoia, anxiety, depression, elation, mania, and so much more. He battled his demons, trying to recapture something that was lost.

It was night time now. And slightly chilly. Minus felt very disoriented. He had relied on alacrity and synchronicity for so long. But these things were useless in the trial of gods. His magic was about movement and charm. Things he did not need here, alone in the forest. He pulled his arms up and looked at the scars Odin had left. They looked like the runes of Norse magic, which Odin received when he put himself through the first trial of godhood, the world tree. Yggdrasil was older than man. Older than gods. It only made sense that this was the only place left for true magic.

Odin had once been mortal, but he had hung himself on the world tree for nine days and nights to gain insights into ancient magic. The world tree and the elder gods had given him magic in return. A magic he unleashed on the world, and eventually used to overcome the forgotten gods. He used the magic to take his place in Aesir, as the All-Father. His brothers and sisters, and sons and daughters had taken their spots in the royal court, and a new generation of men and gods had begun.

Minus had hung himself on the world tree twice now. This was important. It was important because it was the path of self sacrifice for forgotten knowledge. He knew that Odin often saw him as a son, but was weary to allow him into the heavens. The last man he had allowed in had been Loki Sky-Walker, who caused much destruction and sadness in the royal court. He would not take that chance again. Not easily anyway.

Minus knew all of this, but he had been hanging on this tree so long that he wasn’t sure how he knew it. After Odin’s last visit, he had blacked out, and he had no idea how long ago that was. He had spent hours trying to meditate, trying to understand.

His temples throbbed and he could not feel his arms or legs. He pulled his arms up into view, so he could see the marks that Odin had left. The sigils glowed in the dark night. A bright blue. He had no knowledge of runes, but he knew instinctively that one meant strength and the other meant power. Minus tried to settle back into meditation, but he ending up passing out instead. The blood in his head was getting worse. He guessed that he had hung for five days. But his thoughts were fading into blackness.

On that same day, Jane had asked Mancini about the Akashic Library.

—-

Jack
I Listen.

The Cost of Magic
Section #23
The Marks of a God

Enter Odin, or The Hanging of a Demi-God
—-

Minus woke up a few hours later, hanging upside down from the giant tree. He could see an older man, with unkempt hair and beard. He only had one eye and the ravens were sitting on his shoulders. He was still very large and muscular for his age.

“What is it this time, old man?” said Minus.

“Oh, so you do remember our last talk, youngling? This is indeed a surprise. My brother Othin told me you would be here. Of course, I knew already. What is it you seek, child? What more could I possibly teach you? You are too weak. Your mind too fragile.”

“All-Father, I did not come here for your knowledge. I have come for my own.” Minus spoke with a harshness that his expression could not show, since he was hanging upside down by a rope tied to one ankle.

“Ahh… I see. You are tired. Tired of your delusional life and your ‘doctor’s’ pineal poisons. This is admirable. To hold ones own memories as only the Aesir can. I will take my leave. Should you succeed, you will see me again.”

The old man looked weary as he left. Minus had never seen him look so tired and beaten. He didn’t like what this could mean.

***

Back at Minus’ house, Jane was busy studying with a see-through Victor Mancini. She was alone today. Some days Kotoko would show up, and they’d study together, but Kotoko had a job and she was still in school.

Minus had been gone for three days now. Mancini insisted he would be fine and return unharmed. Jane tried not to worry, and regularly took the tiny little purple pills that Mancini had recommended. Apparently they were something that Minus had made up in his “Apothecary,” as Mancini referred to it.

Sometimes Jane would go upstairs and look out the windows to watch that horrible Mist. She didn’t like the idea of Minus and Kotoko being out in it. Kotoko couldn’t even see it until the night she met Minus.

“And what was so important about Minus?” Jane thought to herself. She loved him, she knew that much. But it seemed like he affected everyone he came into contact with. Without even realizing it, people seemed to find that their lives revolved around Minus and his actions.

Sometimes, when Mancini would be talking, Jane would daydream a little. She would start to get the feeling that there was something important that she could not remember. There was a hazy feeling to her eighteenth year. She started to think a lot about that time period.

After Mancini would leave for the day, she would try to remember things about that year. But everything seemed perfectly normal. That’s what really bothered her. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that her memories had a sense of fabrication to them. It was too normal. She would dream of it at night.

These thoughts began to occupy more of her time as the days passed. On the fifth day, she asked Doctor Mancini about the Akashic Library, and how she could get there.

—-

Jack
I Listen.

The Cost of Magic
Section #20
Enter Odin, or The Hanging of a Demi-God

And So He Walked
—-

They were roused from a light sleep around 7:30pm by the ring of Minus’ phone. It was Kotoko. Minus answered.

“What the Hell, dude,” Kotoko was clearly frustrated. “I’ve been driving around for almost an hour. The street you said you lived on. It’s not here! I’m fairly certain it doesn’t even exist!”

“It’s alright, Kotoko,” Minus seemed very calm, and this calmed her down. “Do you know anything about synchronicity?”

She started to answer, but someone was opening the passenger door to her car. She reached for her purse, scrambling for the mace.

“Hi, I’m Minus. I think you’ve heard about me.”

“How the.. What? Where did you come from?” She wasn’t as confused as she should be. It seemed almost normal that Minus was now sitting in her passenger seat.

“My place. Go ahead and pull out of this parking lot, and go the right.”

Kotoko did as she was told.

“There will be a road on your left, the sign will say, ‘King’s Lane.’” Minus was directing her to his house and Jane.

When they approached the street sign, Kotoko was astounded. She had driven by this area a dozen times, and there had been no King’s Lane. She was certain. But there it was. A gravel driveway. She turned on to King’s Lane.

“My place is the only house back here. You can park next to my truck. Jane will be waiting for you at the door. I’ll take care of the groceries.” Minus said as Kotoko parked her jeep.

He got out of the jeep and reached into the back seat, picking up some bags. Kotoko went to the door, where she saw Jane peaking out. Minus could see them hug each other, and the tears that followed.

Kotoko went in, and Jane bolted all the locks behind them.

“What about Minus?” Kotoko was no stranger to magic, but she was clearly confused at the situation.

“It’s okay,” Jane said through the tears, “he’ll meet us in the basement.”

They continued through the house and into the basement door. Jane turned all the locks and knobs, locking them in again.

As they went down the flight of stairs, Kotoko was surprised that Minus was standing there, pouring three glasses of wine. She could see all of the grocery bags on the small counter he stood next to, and the luggage full of Jane’s clothing was by an opened closet on the other side of the room.

“It’s nice to meet you, Kotoko. I didn’t mean to startle you. I’ve heard a lot about you. Jane tells me you have interest in the occult?”

He reached into the drawer of pills and pulled out two tiny blue capsules.

“Take these.”

And Kotoko did. She swallowed them with a large drink of wine. She was startled again for a moment, as she realized that she did not drink and had never taken drugs. Why had she done what he said without thought or question? As soon as these thought passed through her, her mind was quieted. She felt calm, and relaxed, and at home.

“Wait, you’re a straight, aren’t you? You must be. Jane said you were good at divination,” said Minus. Both of the girls looked confused.

“Like, you don’t drink, or take any kind of drugs, right?”

“No.. I mean, yeah, I don’t do anything like that.. But I just did, didn’t I? Why am I not bothered or worried?” Kotoko tried to look stern, but she wasn’t really able to.

“Okay, no worries. Those pills. Not drugs. Not real drugs anyway. It’s a metaphysical relaxer. Opens your senses, and leaves you calm. No dangers or addictions. Now had you actually been into pills, I’ve got stuff around..” Minus trailed off.

“No, I feel great.. It’s like my soul let go of my fears and pretensions.” Kotoko was surprised at how easily she understood things, and how clear and fluid her thoughts were.

“You’re not bothered because it was me who gave them to you. Just like you weren’t all that upset when I got in the car seat next to you. I don’t really know why that is, but Doctor Mancini has told me things like that before. A lot of people have really..

“Anyway, just relax, we’ll fill you in and you’ll fill us in, alright?”

Jane and Kotoko nodded in unison.

The three talked for what seemed like hours. Then there was an odd, snapping feeling, and Kotoko left, and Jane went to sleep.

Twenty minutes later, Minus locked the basement and front door behind himself, and started walking due north.

Jane, Kotoko, Mancini, and Othin would all awake the next morning, around the same time, feeling unusually happy.

At that exact moment, Minus would see two ravens, perched on a tree older than the continent, and feel horrible despair. He did not enjoy this the last time.

—-

Jack
I Listen.

The Cost of Magic
Section #19
End: Part 1
And So He Walked

Haven’t really accomplished much this week at all with all of the crazy Christmas business. It’s time to get back in gear though. Gonna get back to daily posts again this week. Try to push the envelope even further with more pieces to The Cost of Magic and Basic Ideology 101. It’s going to be a good week. Trust me.

And, I do have a bit of a surprise for you tonight! It’s finally here! Loki Listens Volume 1: Developmental Theology eBook! This is an early edition. We’ll see a second version at the time of print release with an introduction and some additional thoughts by our old friend Scarab.

Download your copy now!

Jack
I Listen.

Monday Update
December 29, 2008

redemption – noun
1. an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.
2. deliverance; rescue.
3. Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.
4. atonement for guilt.
5. repurchase, as of something sold.
6. paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note.
7. recovery by payment, as of something pledged.
8. conversion of paper money into specie.

redeem – verb (used with object)
1. to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.
2. to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.
3. to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction
4. to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.
5. to convert (paper money) into specie.
6. to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).
7. to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.)
8. to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.
9. Theology. to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

Okay, Let’s think about these definitions for a moment.  The most important thing to notice is that the idea of ‘redeeming’ or ‘redemption’ is based entirely on something that was supposed to have been paid for to begin with.  The problem with this is that with the promise of redemption, we accept a debt.  This will not do for free-thinking people.

Redemption no longer has a reason to exist.  Instead, things should be paid for at the time of service, or things should be free.  We seek redemption for our actions.  We should have a free conscience after our actions, thus negating the need for redemption.

Our thoughts have no business creating the state of debt or guilt that brings on this concept.  We should pay for our thoughts accordingly and promptly, and not take on states of debt at all. If we can do this, then we can experience true freedom.

Jack
I Listen.

Basic Ideology 101

Battle #6
Freedom.

(definitions care of Dictionary.com)

We stood in the forest, as the rain fell in sheets. Odin grabbed me firmly by the arm. “They still do not live by the basics! Why do you continue to teach further?”

“All-Father, I cannot make the people listen. I can only give them the light to see the way. I am but a torch in the darkness. I cannot be more.”

“You can be more, and you are more! You have sacrificed yourself on Yggdrasil! Pluck an eye, and give it to my Ravens, and we are one. But I understand. There is a reason the people do not listen. You are trying to break at that core. I see. Let us hope you can. Let us hope together that Fenrir does not have to be raised.”

Odin turned and walked away fro me, in the pouring rain.

**

So, today we are going to take ideology a little further. We are going to talk about the nature of ideology itself. You see, much like the shamanic ideas I talked about in the Developmental Theology series, ideology varies from person to person. It is individual. You decide what is real and what is not. You decide what can happen and what cannot. This makes things very interesting.

Having read that, you may wonder why I would even try to teach a class on ideology, if it is something that each person decides on their own. Well, that reason would be to help you fully develop an ideology that is still individual, but is in a healthy agreement with what we need as a functional world. I don’t think there are many people that could look at our world as a whole, and call it functional, or healthy. We have to change things. And we have to do it fast.

How can we change the world? By changing ourselves. If we become more healthy and responsible people, the world gains. So, to do that, we must first try to understand the mind. The hardest thing man has ever faced. And the way we are going to do that is by learning about ideas, and how to develop them into a working ideology.

We’ve talked about examining our thoughts and actions. We’ve seen that even Saint Augustine believed that if rational thought contradicted scripture, it was normal and reasonable. It is important to pay attention to our thoughts and actions and examine the why. It is also important to not be tied down by books or teachings.

Now we have talked about the importance of the individual, even on the global level.

Remember, each man must find his own path.

Jack.
I Listen.

Basic Ideology 101

Battle #3
Odin Appears and Individuality is Examined.